Let’s take a moment to reflect. Imagine a scene: You’re walking into a grocery store with your child, and just as you step into the automatic doors, your three-year-old dashes ahead to grab something. Perhaps it’s a new item they want, or they’re simply seeking some attention. Either way, their behavior communicates something important. What’s important is not labeling their actions as bad but understanding why the behavior happened.
The goal here is to reframe how you think about behavior. Instead of seeing it as something negative, try seeing it as a message. Recognizing that behavior communicates a child’s needs helps parents and caregivers respond with compassion and create strategies to guide children toward better self-regulation.
Reason Behind the Behavior
- Attention-Seeking Behavior: Some children might act out to gain attention, especially if they feel lonely or disconnected. Even if it’s negative attention, it might feel like enough for them to meet their social needs. As parents, we can help guide children by acknowledging their needs for attention and setting up scheduled, focused one-on-one time to help meet those needs. Instead of reacting negatively to their actions, model healthy ways to seek attention, and help them build meaningful connections with their peers.
- Sensory Processing Challenges: Children experience the world through their five senses, and some find it harder to process sensory input. Children who are sensory seekers might act out because they need more sensory stimulation to feel calm or focused. Others, known as sensory avoiders, may react negatively to sensory input and become overwhelmed or hyperactive. Understanding whether your child is seeking or avoiding sensory input can help you respond appropriately, like offering a chew tube instead of a pencil if they’re biting.
- Escape-Motivated Behavior: Children may engage in behaviors to avoid a situation they don’t want to be in, like a task or social interaction. When a child is trying to escape, it’s a sign they may need more help or support in dealing with the task at hand. It could also indicate a need for emotional regulation or that the child is struggling with understanding how to ask for help. Teaching them how to express their needs calmly can create better results in the long term.
- Tangible Gains: Some children act out to get something they want, like a toy, snack, or attention. Their behavior is motivated by a desire for a tangible item. This is often seen in younger children who haven’t yet developed impulse control. By teaching children to wait patiently for what they want, and modeling positive ways to request items, you help them learn self-regulation and impulse control.
Understand and Interpret Behavior
Understanding and interpreting behavior as communication involves looking beyond the surface and digging deeper into the message a child is trying to communicate. Think of behavior as a clue to what’s going on inside your child’s mind. Is the behavior an attempt to gain something they want? Is it driven by sensory overload or frustration? Or is it an effort to escape something they find difficult?
For example, when your child throws a tantrum at the grocery store, it’s easy to get upset and focus on stopping the behavior. However, when you shift your perspective and ask yourself why they’re doing it, you might realize they’re overwhelmed or frustrated because they can’t have what they want at that moment. By recognizing these emotional signals and behaviors, you’re taking an essential step toward addressing the root cause, not just the outward action.
The key here is to focus on the function of the behavior. In the world of Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA), a common approach is the Functional Behavior Assessment (FBA), which focuses on identifying why a behavior is occurring. Is it for attention? To escape a situation? Or is it related to tangible gains? Once you identify the function, you can tailor your response and create a behavior intervention plan to address the underlying need.
Model Appropriate Behavior
Here’s how you can model appropriate behavior in different situations:
- When Seeking Attention: Instead of reacting with anger or frustration, take a moment to model how your child can express their need for attention. “I see you’re feeling lonely right now. Let’s sit and talk, or we can play a game together.”
- When Handling Sensory Overload: If your child is overwhelmed by sensory input, calmly explain what they might be feeling and offer alternatives. “I know this store is really loud. Let’s take a break in the quiet corner for a minute.”
- When Seeking Tangible Items: If your child is asking for something, model patience. “I see you really want that toy. Let’s take a few deep breaths and wait for a few minutes before we go get it.”
- When Escaping a Situation: Instead of letting your child retreat into negative behavior, teach them how to ask for help. “I know math is tough for you. Would you like me to help you with the first few problems?”
By modeling behavior and teaching alternative ways to communicate, you give your child the tools they need to express their needs in a healthier, more constructive way.
Understanding that behavior is a form of communication opens up new possibilities for helping children navigate their emotions, needs, and desires. Instead of focusing solely on correcting behavior, consider why it’s happening. When you can interpret behavior as communication, you begin to address the root causes, not just the symptoms.
By identifying the functions behind behavior, understanding the child’s needs, and modeling appropriate behavior, you create a supportive environment where your child can develop emotional regulation and better communication skills. It’s not about eliminating challenging behaviors, but about teaching your child how to navigate the world in a healthy, productive way.
So, the next time your child engages in a challenging behavior, remember: behavior is a form of communication. Take a moment to assess the situation, interpret the message, and respond in a way that teaches them how to communicate effectively. Your patience, understanding, and empathy will help guide them toward becoming more emotionally and behaviorally regulated. In doing so, you help your child build the skills they need to thrive in their emotional and social world.
When I read this, my mind recalls a moment in history. Let me set the stage.
Scene: A parking lot conversation with my eldest son prior to entering a grocery store.
Actors: Me, my husband, six-month-old son, and my three-year-old son.
Most important line said to my 3-year-old: Me: “You don’t have to ride in the cart IF you stay by my side and DON’T touch anything without asking me.”
Action Scene: The automatic doors of the grocery store begin to open. As my foot is in midair to take a step, my three-year-old runs in with lightning speed and radar senses, honing into the coffee bean bins facing the entrance at the end of an aisle. One lift and out they poured to a bagless greeting and hit the floor.
Some of you are probably recalling experiences after similar words were spoken and acknowledged. I think there are a combination of layers to consider when raising our kids and determining how to handle or guide different behaviors.
Everyone communicates through behavior whether they’re aware of it or not, the question is WHY is this behavior happening? An infant cries when he or she is hungry or wet, but as they grow we can too easily label difficult behaviors as negative. A goal for parents and caregivers is to reframe what they are seeing and find out what’s driving those behaviors.
Unwelcome behaviors such as tantrums, biting, hitting, and screaming are just a few examples of when a child is unsuccessfully communicating a need or emotion. Understanding behavior as communication will help us respond in an understanding and compassionate manner. We can then develop a behavior strategy that is “function-based” and can work toward teaching missing skills. By function, we mean what the child is trying to access by engaging in the challenging behavior.
This is a common practice within the Applied Behavior Analysis method (ABA) which outlines this method as Functional Behavior Assessment (FBA) where establishing the root cause of disruptive behavior is seen as important to establishing an effective behavior intervention plan. There are four “functions” or “reasons” of behavior:
Some kids may be attention-seekers. They may feel lonely or misunderstood. They may have a difficult time connecting to peers. Getting into trouble can be a way of receiving the attention that they crave. Behavior that communicates “I need attention”. We can help those kids by getting ahead of the issue and scheduling regular activities with focused one on one time. We can listen to our kids and encourage them to make healthy friendships with peers.
Children’s brains are constantly taking in information from their five senses. For some, processing that stream of input is a challenge. “Sensory seekers” underreact to sensory input or need more of it to function. “Sensory avoiders” overreact to sensory input. They may become overwhelmed and hyperactive. Those behaviors become problematic when they are disruptive or interfere with learning. When responding to inappropriate sensory behavior it’s important to replace that behavior with something that is appropriate. For example, if the child has a habit of biting on pencils, replace the pencil by offering gum or a chewing tube.
Escape is another function when kids engage in behavior to end or avoid something they do not want to do. Escape-motivated behavior can be responded to by telling the child how to ask for help when undesired situations happen.
Some children’s behavior such as crying and screaming is aimed at getting what they want which is called Tangible gains. It’s common for children who struggle with impulsivity or flexible thinking. We can address tangible motivated behavior by teaching our children to wait until giving the desired item.
We can examine our children’s behaviors as clues to what is truly going on. If we can help our children to better understand their own needs, then we can help them develop important skills to self-regulate. Behavior is delivering a message, so it’s our job to figure out what our kids are communicating.
So what did I learn from the introductory scene? In my case, strong-willed children for the most part will always test set boundaries. Settling into that reality helped me reframe my expectations and get more creative in what motivated him toward good behavior and the right choices.
